Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
