Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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