dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
sex in a hospital.. check
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
