I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
