I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
