I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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