the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I am naked and annoyed.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
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