Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
