I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
My vagina is officially offended.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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