Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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