my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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