Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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