every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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