I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
