So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
