Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
