I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
