By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
