Redeem this text for a blowjob
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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