Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm at about main and main street
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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