thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
