Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
