Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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