Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
