Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
