i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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