I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
