Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
