if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
