she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
