i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
