her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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