I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
