i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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