the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
