Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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