It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
