the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
This gyro tastes like lonliness
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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