Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
