dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
