we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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