he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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