my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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