its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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