its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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