Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
