that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
