I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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