shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
