is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
