My first STD was from a foam party
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
