I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
