wakey wakey hands off snakey
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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