never play flip cup with pint glasses
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
