i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
