I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize