Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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