Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
you had me at cake vodka
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
God, I missed his penis.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
